Where is the Line Between Toxic Parenting and Abuse

Persuasive Essay

Moriah Gonzalez

 

Something that is debated quite frequently in the parenting world, as well as the psychology world, is whether spanking children is considered child abuse or not. The younger generations today may say yes because spanking is still hitting the child. The older generations may say no and argue that spanking is just another form of discipline. Both of these generations have valid points on the issue, however, what started this question in the first place? Let’s open the conversation up to a single question: Where is the line between toxic parenting and parental abuse? There is a legal definition and line to not cross, but nothing that clearly separates bad parenting and maltreatment, no checkmark to see if the parents are doing the right thing, or a buzzer to remind parents not to cross over from simply admonishing their child to full-blown abuse or maltreatment. Despite the fact that it is not legally abuse, too much of a certain punishment or discipline such as yelling or spanking, can negatively affect the child in question resulting in emotional or psychological trauma.

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There are some obvious types of abuse, typically anything that truly means harm, such as punching or hitting a child. The CDC “defines child abuse and neglect (also referred to generally as child maltreatment) as "any act or series of acts of commission or omission by a parent or other caregiver that results in harm, potential for harm, or threat of harm to a child" (National Child Abuse Coalition). One form of child abuse is Emotional maltreatment. Emotional maltreatment of a child is one of the most common forms that are not recognized enough. Some forms of emotional maltreatment or toxic parenting, according to Healthline, can consist of  “controlling behavior” where the parent is nitpicking at their child’s life or constantly making decisions for them where it is not necessary. This can look like “manipulative behavior” where gaslighting and guilting can come into play, or “lack of boundaries” where the parents give no privacy to their child and the parents “tend to push and push and push to get their way” (Marcin). There are the little things that some parents may think are disciplining when in actuality, it is emotional maltreatment of their child. Some of these things that are commonly used to discipline that actually can stunt the child emotionally are yelling or giving a child the ‘silent treatment’ or spanking. These types of punishment or discipline are perfectly acceptable when used correctly, however, when used too much, it can become harmful to the child in question. 

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With that being said, if something such as ‘the silent treatment’ is used for too long or too frequently, it can begin to be classified as neglectful maltreatment of a child, or even go so far as to say neglectful child abuse. Healthline explains that “Abuse may not always be hitting, yelling, threats, or something totally obvious either. You may encounter more subtle abuse like name-calling, shifting of blame, silent treatment, or gaslighting” (Marcin). In the event that a child has done something wrong, it is important to be straightforward with her and tell her what exactly the line was that they had crossed. It is not acceptable to manipulate a child when they have done something wrong, whether that is gaslighting or guilting them. There is always a better way to discipline, like, if age-appropriate, a time-out, or writing lines. There can always be another way to teach a child right from wrong without mistreating him or her.

 

Disciplining children is a necessary part of parenting, a necessary evil. Without child discipline, how would kids know right from wrong? The P.A Family Support Alliance defines discipline as “the system of teaching a child what is and is not appropriate behavior” (P.A Family Support Alliance). In the event that a parent’s child is misbehaving, the caregiver should discipline to let the child know they have done something wrong. This is the entire point as to why there is punishment, a child who has done wrong must be corrected, not doing so would be unhealthy. Punishment methods, however, “age-appropriate” and it can help if the caregivers have learned “positive discipline and are consistent with children.” Discipline is drawing the child a line and showing them the difference between right and wrong, it is not for a parent or caregiver to take out his or her anger or issues on the child. Oftentimes, that is the defining factor that divides typical child discipline and child maltreatment. There can be quite a lot of ways for a parent, guardian, or caregiver to discipline a child and teach them right from wrong without being abusive.

 

Quite a lot of research has been done on abuse, and they all have one thing in common: Too much yelling, spanking, or correction can turn into abuse. Mahal Arora states, “Bad parenting is a series of actions that can seriously harm the child’s demeanor and psychology” (Arora). Now, it is typically different when a child is acting out consistently. Although it is never acceptable to hit a child with the sole intent of hurting them, yelling to get the point across can be reasonable, as long as it is appropriate and not used too often. When such a thing happens, it can be classified as a form of emotional maltreatment of the child, or verbal, depending on what one says. This usually emotionally and psychologically damages the child in question, resulting in trauma. 

Despite the fact that it may feel like it most days, parents do not have to be completely perfect all the time. Even Healthline supports this, saying how parents are allowed to have bad days, are allowed to have “outbursts” and “bad days” (Marcin). No parent is perfect and sometimes children can forget that, but if a parent is using an excuse of a “bad day” to cover up his or her actions a little too frequently, that is when questions should arise regarding the treatment of his or her child. The phrase ‘too much of a good thing’ can also relate to this topic, too much of one thing or too much intensity. For example, one does not have to believe in spanking their progeny, but if a parent were to constantly spank his or her child, the action in question would no longer be a form of discipline, it would morph into an abusive act. Perhaps if a child was being constantly grounded with no contact or food and water as a punishment, it would turn into the neglecting form of abuse. Even carrying out a form of discipline such as yelling too much can most likely have a negative effect on a child’s developing mind. According to helpguide.org, this looks like a “Lack of trust and relationship difficulties” as well as “trouble regulating emotions” (Smith). It is vital to find that perfect balance between a parent not disciplining enough versus them disciplining with such intensity it becomes maltreatment.

 

Where is the line when it comes to the difference between discipline or toxic parenting and child maltreatment? Although, in spite of the fact that things like this are not legally abusive acts, the overuse of a certain punishment or discipline such as yelling, spanking, or sending his or her child to their room can negatively affect the child in question, most likely resulting in emotional or psychological trauma. Of course, there are other ways of discipline that are never acceptable, such as gaslighting, hitting a child, or neglecting a child as punishment. Now, with that being said, if a parent’s punishments or forms of discipline such as yelling, spanking, or a good grounding are the more preferred method of punishment, if those acts of discipline are not too frequent or too much by the parent, it ought to be safe and alright to perform, so the child is not hurt too bad. The goal is not necessarily to convince parents that spanking his or her child is an acceptable punishment on them or not, it is to show where, with some certain disciplines such as spanking, the line between a parent helping the child or hurting the child lies. The goal in parenting a child is, for at least the majority of the parents out in the world, to not hurt the child purposely, whether that is on the mental and psychological side or the physical side. The fine line between discipline and abuse or maltreatment is not so clear at all for a parent, however, as long as the parent’s intentions are going to benefit their child, only wanting to teach his or her children right from wrong and not wanting to hurt the child in question, then no laws or spirits are broken and no harm is done to the child. If there are no broken bones or broken spirits concerning the child in question, then there shall be no broken laws.